A Mother's Lesson

Love

Love is a four letter word.

It is a simple word that is said momentarily yet holds a lingering affect to those who feel it, hear it or say it. 

I love my son.  The word just does not do it justice.  I want it to.  I want the word "love" to hold a deeper meaning then I feel it actually holds.   I just have a hard time putting the amount of weight on the word "love" that I feel and know it actually has.  I feel as if the word is constantly over used and wasted on feelings, moments and actions that deserve other words such as: like or adore.

I felt the greatest love when my son was taken from my body on November 3rd at 10:29 pm and I heard his cry.  I saw his eyes and I kissed his face.  I saw his love, I felt my love and I told him I loved him.  I meant it.  It was the first time I really understood what love felt like because for the first time, I could feel my heart ache. 

I knew my love for him was fragile.  I knew I had to place my love and my abilities into his heart and into his soul.  I knew I had to give him all I had.  I  knew he needed me and I knew that I needed him.  I had protected him for 8 months inside of my self.  I had used my body and my strength to help him develop and grow inside of my very own body.  I felt his movements inside of myself.  I talked to him endlessly and sang to him every day until delivery.  I gave him everything I had for 8 months so that he could be strong and healthy upon entering this world. 

Upon delivery I knew that my protection and my strength as his parent was limited now.  He was no longer living and growing and developing inside of me, with my help.  He was now a citizen of this world and I could not protect him the way I was able to for 8 months.  I could not shelter him from all of the world any longer.  He had been delivered and now, I must give him my heart, give him my soul and every ounce of love I have to give. 

It is with my love that I am able to protect him.  It is with my love that I am able to teach him.  It is with my love that i am able to give him life, love and happiness.

When he was delivered and I saw his eyes and I saw his face and I saw what the lord allowed me to grow and help bring into this world, I realized in that moment that it was up to me to raise him with love, compassion and values.  That I was now his parent and I had to instill all of the amazing qualities that I wanted my children to have, deep in his soul, every day.

Yet I knew, it will always begin and always end, with all the love I have to give.

And so even though he is new to this world, as his mother, I need to introduce him to what this amazing world has to offer him.  I need to teach him all that he needs to learn and show him all that is possible in this world.  I need to be there for my child and always be there for my child; not only because I am his mother but because I love him and I want to be there.

Through this journey, through this life, through this love, we will endure, capture, create and explore together.  We will ask questions, we will find answers and we will conquer, always together.

Together we will succeed. 

I can not hold his precious hands forever and one day, when he is ready to let go, he will enter this world alone but he will have the resources, the tools and all the love I have given him, to fall back upon.  When my son becomes an adult, the true testament of parenting will come forth.  However, when that day arrives, I will know that my son is prepared, engaged, responsible and ready for starting his own path through this world.  Until that moment, I will guide him through the good and the bad of this world and together, one step at a time, we will not give up, we will not quit, we will overcome and we will experience it all, together.

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."

-Washington Irving

My first Lesson

 

The Theory

The first lesson I want to teach my son is patience.  Patience is one of those words you hear people say often but never really have a great meaning for.  It seems as if people throw the word around willy-nilly, mostly as a noun telling their little ones to have "some."

Patience is not just something you can expect your children to have, if you, yourself, are not a very patient person.  I honestly believe I am a very patient person.  I can live a very easy and relaxed life, waiting and enduring as long as I know that it is not all amiss.  As long as: profit, the finish line or an outcome will eventually be earned, I will wait or try as long as it takes.

I want my son to have this spirit as well.  I want to teach him to be patient.  All good things honestly do come to those who wait.  I believe that and I want him to as well. 

With any lesson, you can not just tell someone, such as my child, that they need to be patient.  Life does not work this way.  I am sure that if I never explain to him what the word "patience" means or let him read the definition, he would not fully understand the word at all.  Yet many parents clamber on to their children for their need to be patient.  Do they even know what you are talking about? 

A few actual definitions are:

having or showing the capacity for endurance

bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.

quietly and steadily persevering or diligent, esp. in detail or exactness

I want to teach my son by showing my son that good things come to those who wait.

Those who wait are patient. 

Those who rush are weak minded and stubbornly foolish.

I believe that if I show my son that you must work towards your goals, one task at a time, that he will see that it takes time and energy to accomplish and finish.  I want him to know that no dream is too big and no bar is too high and that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to, as long as he can have the patience and the fortitude to continue to work towards it. 

The Plan

I have decided that a great way to show my son to be goal oriented and patient, is to create a very large goal for us to accomplish.  However daunting that goal might seem, I want the finish line to be not an end result but a jumping off point for other goals. 

It works as follows:

I want to eventually take my son to the Redwood National forrest in California.  I want him to experience larger than life nature.  I want him to remember how small he is in this world but how large and powerful his successes can be and how beautiful this world truly is. 

I could just put him and I on a plane and go visit the park.  Yet what would that teach my son?  It would teach him nothing.  It would just simply be an easy way to see a destination.  Many parents do this.  They plan vacations and take their children to them.  I do not see the value in that at all. 

Instead, my son and I will map the destinations we want to visit.  We will chart how far each destination we want to visit is from our home. 

The Redwood National Forrest is exactly 2088.49 miles away.

My son and I will walk every day.  When we come home we will mark together and keep track of the miles we have walked and the distance we have gone together.  Eventually, we will have walked 2088.49 miles together.  In time, we will succeed in making that goal.  It will take great patience and great loyalty to our goal.  Yet we will not rush it.  We will not opt out of the process of working for our rewards.

I believe that walking to the destinations will make it much more memorable and much more respected. 

I have filled our goal with mini goals to keep us positive and keep us focused on our journey.  We will visit many places on our journey to 2088.49 miles away. 

Our journey has begun.

The Destinations

There are many destinations that I want to take my son.  I want to explore the entire United States with him!  I know I do not have all the resources in the world to be able to do this with him.  It's unfortunate.  Yet I have come up with a list of 20 places that I believe will be excellent places for us to travel to, together.

I want to show my son the most interesting places that this world has to offer.  Of course, I need to start off small.  I can not show him Napal, without showing him what is right here in front of him first.  I believe before we can explore what is beyond our reach, we must first discover what is awaiting around us first. 

I believe a very important lesson to show him is that he is not alone on this planet.  That he shares this world with many other species of animals, fish, birds, etc.  I believe that if he can learn to respect the world around him, inclusive of wild life, that he will have a better and broader outlook on what it is in this world that drives us. 

Our first list of goals are wrapped around zoos and aquariums.  It is so important to show him textures and objects that are foriegn to him.  He's only just becoming a toddler, he needs to be blown away with what this life has to offer him.  I believe seeing the incredible animals and sea life and learning about their incredible journeys will give him fuel to continue on our great journey together.

Our first destination is only a stepping stone to our next destination.  It will feel amazing to know that together, we made it to our first mini goal!

Our First Mini Goal

Our first mini-goal is the Waco Zoo.

We have walked 41.33 miles to-date so far!  The Waco Zoo is 99.44 miles away from our home.

 

The heatwave

We haven't been able to walk much, because we are in a weather advisory.  The heat is just too intense, even in the early morning and late evenings.

I do not feel really safe going too early in the morning or too late at night.  The trail that we do take is very safe and patrolled by police officers but for 4.23 miles a day, I do not want to put either of us at risk or in a dangerous situation.

So, unfortunately, today will be close to 108 degrees.  All around too hot for us to do much outdoors.  It is sad.  If I knew of an indoors route to take I would take it.  Yet we will be patient and wait for tomorrow, and have hopes that tomorrow will be a much cooler day or at least cooler in the morning hours before 10 am.  After 10 am, the weather begins to worsen to unbearable.  It stays above 100 degrees until six or seven at night.  Even at nightfall when the sun has said goodnight to this portion of the world, it has left its mark still and we are faced with the earth and land giving off heat still, and the temperatures still at 90 to 95 degrees.

Lately, the weather has been horrid.  So, we will wait. 

To stay current:

I want to post when we have walked and our distances so far so that it is:

a) documented

and

b) so that our journey is no mystery to anyone who supports us.

June 4th: 4.23 Miles

June 5th: 4.23 Miles

June 6th: 4.23 Miles

June 7th: 4.23 Miles

June 8th: 4.23 Miles

June 9th: Traveled to see Nana Buritto

June 10th: Still visiting with Nana Buritto

June 11th: Still visiting with Nana Buritto

June 12th: Traveled back home

June 13th: Start of heatwave.  103 degrees F.

June 14th: Still in heat wave.  We get sad.  103 degrees F.

June 15th: Lu Lu, My son is sick.  I bring him to the doctors.  :( He had a 102.9 degree temperture.  It is 104 degrees F.

June 16th: Heat wave plows on but Lu Lu is feeling better.  Thank the good lord.  It is 103 degrees F.

June 17th: He is sick again, this time, coughing.  We stay out of the heat.  105 degrees F.

June 18th: 4.82 Miles.  Still 105 degrees F. though.

June 19th: We walked 6.90 Miles.  What an intense walk!

June 20th: 4.23 Miles

June 21st: Woke up to a very extreme swollen foot.  No buenno.

June 22nd: Foot is still swollen and black and blue.  I try to stay off it as much as possible.

June 23rd: Foot is de-swelling.  Ice it and love on it. 

June 24th: Obscene heat. 108 degrees F.  We went to a concert in the park instead. 

June 25th: 4.23 Miles.  Sad day, Michael Jackson and Ferrah Fawcett pass away.  It is 104 degrees F.

June 26th:  Had an appointment with the department of health and human services.  It seriously lasted all day! 

June 27th: Yikes, 111 degrees F. today.  We went to the pool!

June 28th: 4.23 Miles.  It was 103 degrees F.  My foot is turning black and blue.

I hope to wake up tomorrow with my foot less black and blue.  I'm not sure what is causing my left foot to get so swollen or black and blue. 

We will just take it one day at a time.  One step at a time.  We will make it and we won't give up.

I love you lu lu!

Being Polite

Yesterday we walked another 4.23 miles.  It wasn't nearly as hot as it has been, which made walking that much more enjoyable but my foot has been hurting really bad.  It's now starting to have a few red spots on it and maybe a bit of bruising.  I will post pictures later.  I must document the pain.

We had a few "run ins" with some very aggressive people on the trail yesterday.  I was a bit flustered with how they treated me. 

I don't have the best walking clothes.  Most people on the trail have actual "running" clothes or real synthetic fiber clothes.  I just have an old shirt and some old swim trunks we had lying around.  I simply can't afford to go out and buy clothes just for a walk.  The clothes seem less important and I'm not sure why they would matter, but I feel as if I am being judged on my appearance.  Maybe I am wrong about this?

When we first started out, a woman passed us (as it happens every day.  We are the SLOWEST walkers on the trail) and she wanted to know if lu lu was a boy or a girl.  He's wearing a baseball onesie, blue and red and stripped with his green hat.  The way she asked however wasn't "oh what a cute baby, what is it's gender?"  it was more like "what the heck is that baby wearing, is it a boy or a girl?"  So I politely answer it is a boy.  She tells me he handles drinking from a bottle well and that she is surprised.  Then she walks away.  Her tone was miserable.  It wasn't friendly at all.  I felt weird.  I wondered if she would have spoken to any of the other hundreds of mothers on the trail, in that tone or if it was just me?

Later down on the trail, another older woman approached me, while I was walking with headphones on my ears and she stopped me to tell me that my stroller was inadequate.  Right as she was walking by me we hit a rocky patch on the path.  It's nature, so there is going to be rocks, stumps, dirt, bridges, the whole nine yards on the path.  I can't help this, it is our 4.23 mile course.  It's not a pavement course, it's a course that follows a lake and allows us to walk around the lake and have beautiful views.  As she is walking by and we are headed over bumpy rocks on the path, lu lu wakes up from the little nap he was taking in the stroller.  The woman sees this and decides to tell me about it by saying "miss, do you know that your son just woke up because your stroller is inadequate?"  No.  my son woke up because we hit rocks.  Sure, lots of parents have the "bob" stroller.  Sure that has a shock system which allows babies to rest in their strollers without feeling bumps.  I don't have that stroller.  Lucas feels the bumps and wakes up.  He'll fall back asleep!  I said "thank you." smiled politely and walked on.  I have the stroller that was given to us as a gift.  It is more than we could ever afford, regardless of the shock-less value of the stroller, we would never have the funds to be able to afford anything like the stroller we received!  I thought it was odd, strange and rude of this woman to remark on my stroller.

When we approached the turning point, where we cross the bridge and start heading back for the last two miles around the lake, we are stopped yet again.  This time, by a more aggressive older lady.  At this point, my mp3 player has died from lack of battery charge so I simply have the head phones still in my ears with no music playing.  I can hear the world perfectly. 

We were walking earlier in the morning, to avoid the heat.  The Sun rises from the East and sets in the West.  There is not much I can do about the sun's path over the lake.  It is how it rises and falls, it rises to the east of the lake and sets on the west of the lake.  The trail I take goes completely around the lake.  When we start off, I have two options.  We can go left and circle around the lake or we can go right and circle around the lake. 

Normally we head right.  If we head right, the sun is coming up on the opposite side of the lake.  There are more trees on the path I am taking if I start off headed to the right than the treeless left side of the lake.  There are those patches of vast nothingness on the right side but for the most part, there is a lot of tree cover and shade. 

I go this direction around the lake because of the shade and because of the small amounts of unavoidable sun light that will be in my son's eyes.  If we headed LEFT first, the sun would be bursting down into his stroller the entire time because of the lack of trees shading the path.  I feel that the small amounts of sunlight that does blind my child is less severe going right than it is going left. 

This way, when we cross over the bridge and head back to our starting point and are on the left side of the lake, the sun is now overhead or to my backside so that the sun can not touch the inside of the stroller at all.  For the last two miles, my son is free of the blazing sun's rays reaching his skin at all.

Yet this woman stops me on the path with my head phones on and tells me that my son is trying to sleep but is unable to because the sun is on his face and that I should consider a different route.  I wish I had a camera to take a picture of how angry and fierce she looked as she spoke to me.  It was scary and frightful.

I take a deep breathe.  I try to explain to her that we walk 4.23 miles daily and that I carefully chose this path because of the sun's direction and the amount of tree coverage and shade availability on the path and considered both sides of the lake when I chose our path and that this was the best path for his comfort due to the sun that I had no control over but as I was telling her, she simply turned away and kept walking in disgust. 

I was so sad in the heart. 

At this point on our walk, as we were about to cross the bridge and travel where the sun would be at our backs and no longer in our faces, I felt defeated.  I felt as if no matter what I decided to do as a parent, that I needed to accept the fact that I was going to always be judged by other people because of the clothes I wore or the stroller I had or what I dressed my son in.  I realized that whatever I did, people would always feel the need to add their two cents or snicker or frown.  I am not sure what they must be thinking deep within their souls or minds to feel that it is at all appropriate to approach me in the manner that they do.

I am positive howeer, that I will not quit this walk.  I will not change my decisions on what to dress my beautiful son in, because I love the outfits I put on him.  He looks adorable.  I only wish that if people did not know his gender, if they would just continue to walk, quietly past me.  I wish if people did not like the stroller that I am so appreciative that we  have, that they would simply not say anything to me about it.  That they would simply just pass us and hurry along on their own journeys.   I wish that if they felt I was choosing the wrong path and my decisions as a parent were poorly affecting my child that they would simply just walk past me and realize they were judging me instead of helping me.

Yet we are walking to learn lessons.  This just might be a larger lesson for myself to learn while we walk these miles.  We have now successfully walked 50 miles and as we reached that milestone, I am confronted with other people's doubt and cynicism. 

I am proud of my accomplishments with my son and we will forge on, with an increased sense of understanding and a larger heart than many and we will know that we are doing all that we can do with all that we have.  And we will make it, one step at a time.  And that is a lesson I am proud to teach my son.

Rain

It is raining out today.  I am very excited that it is raining but since we do not have the gear or sadly, the stroller to handle the watery and muddy conditions, we can not go for our walk in the rain.  So, we will take lu lu out to do something else today! 

Beyond the rain, however, it is also thundering and lightening.  it would also be unsafe and not practical to go outside and walk near a large body of water. 

We will try tonight and see if it is better tonight to walk.

Shoes

I take at least 22334.4 steps on our walk (5,280 feet in a mile times the 4.23 miles we walk each day) and each step I take is very painful.  It's more painful than the step before.

I have a few questions that I wish someone could answer for me and then maybe I could understand.

My first question is why shoes are shaped the way they are.  As I walk the 22334.4 steps every day with my son, I look at everyone's shoes.  Everyone's shoes look generally, the same.  Most people have name brand recognizable shoes.  They have either running or walking shoes but for the most part, all shoes are shaped the same.  They might not be made the same, they might have different materials but as I have seen, they are shaped the same.

I can remember the first time I put on a clog.  The clogs were owned by my aunt and I wore hers so much that she eventually went out and got me my own pair LOL!  I loved them because they were shaped differently.  They weren't shaped like a running or walking shoe, they were shaped like my foot.  How awesome was that! 

The only downfall to this shoe, the clog, was that there was no arch support.  It was made of cork and wasn't good for walking 22334.4 steps.  It was meant for fashion. 

If you wore them too long or did too much activity, your feet grew sore and ugly.  But your toes remained non-squeezed, they  had room and it was a nice comfort fit, besides the lack of support.

When I moved to Colorado a new shoe was on the market called a "croc" and these shoes were wonderful too!  They were like a clog but had a few differences.  They were shaped the same, much like the shape of my foot but again, even though these shoes were made from rubber, it didn't supply my foot nor my arches with the support it would need to walk 22334.4 steps. 

So, I have decided I hate shoes.  I hate going to spend such large amounts of money on a running or walking shoe, that will support my arches but will squeeze my toes together and ruin my wonderful toe alignment.  I suppose if you do not think this is a problem and you do not mind ruining the natural shape of your feet and your toes, then you'll continue to not bother even looking at the shape of your footwear and comparing it to the natural shape of your foot.

I care because I look at my son's foot.  It is natural, never been squeezed into a shoe that is un "foot-ly" shaped and he has perfect toe alignment.  Yet as he grows up, he feet will have to conform to the shape of the shoe, instead of the shoe conforming to the shape of his foot.  I think that is wrong.  I think he would walk better, run better and his legs and muscles would grow and be stronger if his body was allowed to be supported in all ways, especially his toes and feet, if he had the proper shoes that worked with him, instead of against.

It does not help that I have flat feet and I have wide feet and I have square feet. 

I would love to meet the person who invented the way shoes look now.

Biblically, Jesus wore sandals.  He never squeezed his poor toes into shoes that were shaped wrong and marketed as the "perfect running" or "perfect walking" shoe.  I am sure he had perfect toe alignment and because of it, was able to walk the amount of distance he walked.  All in good faith!

I am on the look-out for a good pair of shoes.  I am tired of the blisters I get from my pinkie-toes rubbing against the shoes.  I am tired of having to buy products to make my feet work in shoes that are obviously not the shape of my foot.  It would make the 22334.4 steps a day, that much more pleasurable.

Here are some diagrams/pictures to illustrate my point.

Typical Feet look like this:

 As you can see, the toes are side-by-side. 

Or feet can look like this:

You can see that the feet do not fit on this sandal but that she is obviously trying hard to make it work.  The shape of her feet is just not the shape of the shoe!  Yet with careful inspection, you can see that after years of conforming her feet to fit in ridiculous shoes, her toes are not perfectly aligned any more and that they are now poorly aligned. Her big toes are now pointing off to the sides and her two outer toes, pinkie and whatever the next one is called, is pointed inward.

Here is a baby foot, with perfectly aligned toes:

  As you can see the toes are all straight and aligned perfectly.  These beautiful little toes have not had to be squeezed into a shoe like an adult foot, for many many years.

Here is a picture of a Clog, which is actually shaped like a foot:

 

Here is a picture of a CROC, which is also shaped like a foot:

 

And here is a picture of a running shoe, which I believe is not shaped like anyone's foot:

 

And here is a picture of  poor feet with really badly aligned toes:

   It is a sad day when our bodies and our feet and our toes must succumb and surrender to a shoe.  That a supportive and healthy shoe can not be made to fit our feet, instead of the other way round.

If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know!

rain rain go away

The last day of June was sadly, raining.  I spent most of the day looking for a toybox on craigslist for Lulu.  I finally found one, but it was pink and plastic.  It was thirty dollars.  What a great deal.  Lulu has a lot of toys and not a place to put them. 

I got the toybox for 30 dollars, went to wal*mart and purchased some "fusion" spray paint.  it adheres to plastic!  So, now it is blue.  Much better, although real boy babies can have pink toyboxes, it just would not have gone with his room!

So, instead of the rain dampening our day, we practiced our flashcards.  Although Lulu is only 8 months (today!!!)I feel that it is equally important to teach him to recognize words and understand their meaning. 

The first of July rained as well.  Our stroller just isn't equipped to roll in the mud.  Not that the trail is "muddy" but it's mostly gravel, dirt and sand.  Add water and you  have a real hard walk, plus a wet wet walk!

The second of July we had company on our walk!!! How wonderful is that!  We ended up walking 4.82 miles.  It's nice when people walk with us on the incredible walk, to me, it just signifies that they too, support the lesson and encourage the values.  I appreciate everyone who will walk with us. 

Today, we walked 4.23 miles.  The normal route for us except it was extra ridiculous hot.  It was only 103 degrees F, but it felt obscene.  I had to poor water on lulu and myself.  CRAZY.

We can't walk tomorrow since the trail will be closed due to the fireworks and July 4th but him and I will be celebrating the holiday anyways.  There's lessons to be learned about why we even celebrate it in the first place.  Plus I want to build traditions!

more later.  One step at a time!

I see you...

To get a counter click here .

Foot

My foot hurts really bad. It hurts so badly that i am stuck at home with it elevated slightly to reduce the swelling. I am no doctor, but i wonder if it might be sprained or if it is the all too talked about "fallen arches." regardless, it has come at a rather bad time, because lulu and i were just gaining momentum on the walk by walking fifty miles!

It is all part of the greater lesson however, that reaching your goals will take time and can not be rushed. I can only hope that these lessons will make my son a more responsible and stable man.

We are also in the middle of a heatwave and since it has lasted so long the national weather council has issued an extreme weather advisory. Because of this heatwave, being one with nature is miserable lol. When my foot is better, we will take to the trail either in the AM or later in the PM.

I will be posting more frequently via mobile web with trail, miles, weather and foot updates along with a new photo and or photo journal of our incredible walk. Try not to mind the gleaming typos and errors since the qwerty keyboard is very small and limited! I do my best, one step at a time.

The foot pain photo

My swollen and hurting left foot. Poor little foot!

At the clinic

I am at the clinc waiting for the receptionist to put my packet into the computer. I will be seen when ever that is completed. my foot hurts beyond belief. i can only hope that this medical isnt as shotty as it was in the actual military. i am sure if i hurt my foot while in the military and had to go to the "sick call" doctor early in the morning, would simply tell me i was only trying to get out of pt and give me some motrin and send me on my way. i want to fix my foot so that lulu and i can get back on the trail. i miss feeding the ducks and turtles! i will update more. so far i have been waiting thirty minutes. one step at a time...

Still waiting

I am still waiting to be seen. I got here at eleven. It is now 12:52 and i cant believe i havent been seen. It seems too much like the actual military now. jay took lulu to get some lunch. the receptionist told me the nurses havent seen me yet because they were at lunch. that information would have been nice to know before i sat here waiting and hungry! good to know that they are full lol as i sit here still hurting and now hungry. i keep the hope that they will see me soon and tell me what is wrong with my foot! more updates soon! one step at a time... apparently really slow and small steps here ay the va clinic.

results

Just got my vitals taken from the nurse. i look good from the inside but they never looked at my foot. they have no appointments available until monday. boo. pain until monday! it is now 1:45 lol

Blazing hot

It is blazing hot out. my foot is still a mess so no walking until at least tuesday!

New Message

My really swollen foot

Results

I have fractures ... no good. apparently i need a cane

Miserable

I am miserable. it hurts to walk and move and the day continues and demands that i walk on it or that i stand or that i carry lulu. this is going to be such a long three weeks. miserable. i think i was addicted to walking. i feel like i am withdrawing. i feel really depressed about my foot and inability.

The one mile

So tomorrow starts the dawn of our new day. We must start some place so we start with a simple mile. i have given my foot time to heal and now it is time to bust back out on the trail. And even though we must Start out small agian, it is about learning to get back on your feet again when life knocks you down. no one said this journey would be easy or painless or quick. it takes time and patience but eventually we will be back at the walk with full force. we wil take it one mile a day and one step at a time until we reach our goal. tomorrow i will have some walkers walking the walk with me. i am very excited!

New path

Because of the economy and rising gas prices with decreasing wages, lulu and i are going to find a closer path near our front door. More on that later!

Hard days night

Walking what only feels like baby steps but the good news is that i am healing.

It's the start of a new day

It's October and my foot has now completely healed.  I'm relieved and at the same moment... concerned.  I've felt so alone for the past several months.  It's actually been tiresome. 

Motherhood is a journey that only a mother will only ever know.  A journey you just can not fake.  My partner, until she actually becomes a mother herself will never understand the journey of actually being a mother.  It is a thankless and thoughtful job, moment after moment, day after day and week after week.  A job so heavy and so hard that even she forgets to appreciate the mother I am. 

Wife-hood is a thankless journey of selflessness.  I realized this week, while I was standing doing the dishes for the umpteenth time that my foot no longer hurt.  Yet I stood there for months and did the dishes while my foot agonized with screams of pain.  I did the laundry, vacuumed, steamed the rugs, cleaned the house, gathered the trash, made lunches, made dinner, went grocery shopping, and raised my son, every moment of every day of every week, while my foot screamed at me in agony.  Yet I do it now when my foot does not hurt.  So, if I must do it all while I am in pain and I must do it every day with no pain, I feel sad to know that every day, is completely and utterly thankless as a wife.

Motherhood is different than wife-hood because as a mother, my son adores me.  He gives me kisses when my eyes look sad.  He hugs me and says gibberish that I can only laugh at.  His laugh strikes my heart like a harp plays at a wedding and when I look at my son, I feel home.  I feel completely relaxed and amazed when I hold my son.  I have or hold no expectations of him.  I know he will get into trouble and mischief.  I know he will melt down and cry and fuss.  I know the good with the bad and I adore it.  I adore it all.  It's part of my wonderful journey of motherhood.

Yet with a wife or a spouse, you hold expectations.  You expect them, no matter how tired they are or how angry, sad or happy they are, to pitch in.  To help you no matter the circumstance.  To aide in your life and most importantly, to appreciate you.  But what if they don't.  If your spouse can not appreciate you and show you that appreciation within moments, days, weeks... then being their spouse is pointless.  You're a single parent living with someone you used to adore.  Someone you used to have moments with.  Someone who used to appreciate you.  Yet now... now that you do twice the work and double the love, you get less and less appreciation.

What if no one told you ever that you were doing a great job.  What if no one ever helped do any of the chores around the house.  What if their expectations of you, grew to do it all, to take care of them and the kids.  To maintain a house and the bills.  To do everything and never once be appreciated for doing any of it. 

I believe you would wonder why you did it at all.  Wife-hood that is.

I feel myself falling into a sea of depression.  I feel myself wishing I was anyplace but here.  I am beginning to realize I might just only have my son and he might just only have me because I will always refuse to fail or to give up.  I will always appreciate him and his love.  I won't ever be thoughtless or thankless. 

Tuesday, while I stood doing the dishes, I realized my foot no longer hurt me to stand up on it.  Yet tuesday I cried while I did the dishes because I realized for the last few months, my foot hurt like crazy while I stood and did the dishes.  I cried because I realized that I did it all and I did it alone and I did it because I had to but I did it.  I did it.  I suffered through a broken foot and suffered while the bones fused themselves back together.  I suffered and I stuck through the pain and I kept living and I kept at everything I so badly needed to get done and here it was, Tuesday, and the pain was actually gone.  Yet as I stood there, I finally saw the real pain.  The pain of doing it alone when you're not actually alone.  When you live with someone and you are committed to someone and they have ignored your pain.  They were thoughtless about your pain. 

Tuesday I realized what I was fighting to see.  Tuesday I realized I am a single parent.  Now, I live my life like it is.  I have to appreciate myself and I must thank myself in ways only I can.  I must enjoy the journey of motherhood since it is only truly I who will enjoy it.  Yet I need to let go of a part of me that refuses to be what I need. 

Today is the start of a new day.  Today is the start of a new month.  I will take each day, one step at a time.  It's an incredible walk I am on.  We might not be walking 4.2 miles a day, but we're walking along on this journey of life. 

the rain

It's been raining for the past two days.  It is supposed to rain again tomorrow.  I feel like the weather is masking for my feelings.  I'd rather the tears fall from the sky than from my eyes.

We walked together today.  We couldn't walk outside so we spent an hour walking inside walmart.  We had crap loads of fun.  Who knew walmart could actually be so much fun where you just giggle through every aisle.  I'm excited for my son to grow and flourish into a brave and wonderful young man.  I am excited to give him all that is inside of me.  I'm excited for him to have these moments with his children.  They are flawless.

He turned eleven months today.  It doesn't seem like it could be eleven months since he was taken from my womb.  It doesn't seem like it could be possible but it is.  This is the last month that he'll be an infant.  Next month he'll turn a year old and he'll forever age and mark the time in years, and the months will grow forevermore less important.  I want to keep it alive.  i want him to feel alive every moment of every day.  I want to keep the history and precede it with our future.  Every day is a gift. 

I was excited to get out and walk with him.  We were not walking on a trail or feeding the turtles but we were together, with a shopping cart and screeching our tires and burning the corners with our noises.

After our walk, we went to get a celebratory ice cream.  That was only after we ate handfuls of cheetos!  We had our classic "elvis" ice cream.  Yummy vanilla with banana and Reese's peanut butter cups!!  We loved it.  Gosh it is good but it's better enjoyed together!

Then we took picture booth photos together.  They came out classically us.  We posed before and after the photos and during, well, we look silly and like we've missed the beat all together! 

I hope when he grows up he'll look back and in his memories, in all the great times, he'll always see my face and always know I was right there, cheering him on.  Happy Eleven months son.  I love you.