Love is a four letter word.
It is a simple word that is said momentarily yet holds a lingering affect to those who feel it, hear it or say it.
I love my son. The word just does not do it justice. I want it to. I want the word "love" to hold a deeper meaning then I feel it actually holds. I just have a hard time putting the amount of weight on the word "love" that I feel and know it actually has. I feel as if the word is constantly over used and wasted on feelings, moments and actions that deserve other words such as: like or adore.
I felt the greatest love when my son was taken from my body on November 3rd at 10:29 pm and I heard his cry. I saw his eyes and I kissed his face. I saw his love, I felt my love and I told him I loved him. I meant it. It was the first time I really understood what love felt like because for the first time, I could feel my heart ache.
I knew my love for him was fragile. I knew I had to place my love and my abilities into his heart and into his soul. I knew I had to give him all I had. I knew he needed me and I knew that I needed him. I had protected him for 8 months inside of my self. I had used my body and my strength to help him develop and grow inside of my very own body. I felt his movements inside of myself. I talked to him endlessly and sang to him every day until delivery. I gave him everything I had for 8 months so that he could be strong and healthy upon entering this world.
Upon delivery I knew that my protection and my strength as his parent was limited now. He was no longer living and growing and developing inside of me, with my help. He was now a citizen of this world and I could not protect him the way I was able to for 8 months. I could not shelter him from all of the world any longer. He had been delivered and now, I must give him my heart, give him my soul and every ounce of love I have to give.
It is with my love that I am able to protect him. It is with my love that I am able to teach him. It is with my love that i am able to give him life, love and happiness.
When he was delivered and I saw his eyes and I saw his face and I saw what the lord allowed me to grow and help bring into this world, I realized in that moment that it was up to me to raise him with love, compassion and values. That I was now his parent and I had to instill all of the amazing qualities that I wanted my children to have, deep in his soul, every day.
Yet I knew, it will always begin and always end, with all the love I have to give.
And so even though he is new to this world, as his mother, I need to introduce him to what this amazing world has to offer him. I need to teach him all that he needs to learn and show him all that is possible in this world. I need to be there for my child and always be there for my child; not only because I am his mother but because I love him and I want to be there.
Through this journey, through this life, through this love, we will endure, capture, create and explore together. We will ask questions, we will find answers and we will conquer, always together.
Together we will succeed.
I can not hold his precious hands forever and one day, when he is ready to let go, he will enter this world alone but he will have the resources, the tools and all the love I have given him, to fall back upon. When my son becomes an adult, the true testament of parenting will come forth. However, when that day arrives, I will know that my son is prepared, engaged, responsible and ready for starting his own path through this world. Until that moment, I will guide him through the good and the bad of this world and together, one step at a time, we will not give up, we will not quit, we will overcome and we will experience it all, together.
"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."
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